Thursday, July 06, 2006

I am a strange person. I can't have a socially acceptable relationship. There is nothing wrong with me.. at least I like to think that way. I realize I am different, I think differently and act in ways that do not always meet those of majority of people, and I am quiet happy about that.
I've noticed a pattern in my past relationships. I'd always run away as soon as they try pampering me too much, showing they care a lot, or are either ready to change themselves for the sake of our love. That is so wrong! That is not love.. I know it isn't even if I can't write a webster definition for it. Don't change.. above all don't change because of me. Stay what and who you are / were that first moment I started falling for you. That is the only recipee that works with me.
Jase and I met in one of the chatrooms three years ago. He was listening my music, reading my books, speaking my words and our thoughts were so identical, it culminated in some freaky moments. We've never met face to face.. we were killing each other and he ran away.. came back.. only to let me run away. We've said some really bad words to each other, yet we knew we are just perfect soulmates that are not doomed to be together.
I didn't hear from him in months and never tried to contact him. He wrote to me couple of weeks back to ask how are things with me. And the games begun again. We don't feel love, there is no romance, no tenderness, any show of care.. sweet words make us both sick.. but all of it is manifested through the lust we feel, through silent agreements, and unspoken words, and an occasional 'fuck you'. Truth is we are so much alike we're killing in each other what we don't like about ourselves. We are attracted to each other, both intelectually and physically to the point of being painful and we love that. We love tragedy and that is why our 'relationship' functions because we have leading roles in that tragedy.
He frustrates me, makes me angry, upsets me and at times I really wish he was here so I could hit him.. and hit him hard. He makes me want to leave bloody fingernails trails on his back. i want to hurt him and I want him to hurt me.. as a form of extracorporeal selfdestruction, and no, not supporting domestic violence or games of dominence. It is just pure lust and desire..
We talked on messenger today and he said he'd be gone for days or weeks.. for work and that if I had wanted to see him I would have to go online from home in the evening. I am not going to do that and he knew it.. he is not going to write meanwhile and I know that. I wouldn't want him to. He won't be thinking of me all the time, and neither will I, and that is exactly what will make our bond stronger... and all my insults and all his non-compliments to me.

And we may never meet, and we may only dream about meeting in Vienna for a weekend, after which we will never see each other again. Meanwhile, I will get a huge turn on thinking about him impregnating me, and he'll get horny just thinking about having sex with me.
One never know.. we're curious enough to check if we'll click physically the way we click mentally.

Read The Fountainhead by A. Rand.. that is us.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Bar adventures..

Last week I saw an interesting face in this city. I've seen it before but for some odd reason even in small cities such as this one I've not been seeing much of him around.
In search of a more quiet and less hot place to have an evening drink, two of my friends and I escaped out of the city to this beautiful (and quiet cheap) restaurant on the bank of a river. We had a pleasant chat and laughed about our adventures in Milan for New Year. It is always funny to talk about the same day with different people, not one of us have remembered the same thing, and I guess friends are there to remind you of the things you have forgotten about, or is it just possible that we deliberately screen our memories and remember those of which we are sure our friends will not store in their brain cells.
Anyhow.. it was nearly 1 am when I dropped one of them home. There is this Cheers type caffee bar in her building and some male friends of ours were still outside and asked us to join them. It was then that I noticed this interesting face. He did not talk much, in fact.. at all. He did ask where do I live, which was odd and stalker allert like, but my instincts were telling me otherwise.
We didn't officially meet.. like hands shaking and nice to meet yous.. just exchanged few glanses and turned to the guy sitting between us answering question for me as to where I live, in a poor attempt to sound funny. I couldn't be bothered, as I happen to be a lot lately, and let him do the talking. A friend commented on silence of the interesting face, and I agreed. He then again turned to me and asked what I have said.. "oh nothing, just how are really doing great at being silent".
Then, the shock! He owns one of those smalle sport BMW cars! Yikes! I hate them! I call them penis extensions. If he can afford that car he could afford a Volvo, so why not getting one of those big wide cars. He runs two coffee bars, and nice ones en plus. Well, the good thing is I now know where to look for him, and his car is easy to spot.
On the way from work drive past any of his coffee bars to check if the car is parked nearby, revealing his presence. - checked.
Smile at him to let him know you do remember his face even though it was dark when we first met and have already had coupleof drinks. - checked.
Ask your friend to meet you for an afternoon coffee in one of his bars, and stay long enough for him to show up and see you. - checked
Actually I'm lying about the last one, a friend suggested it herself and I happily agreed. He was already there watching the Germany - Italy match, and may I add in triumph that he has not seen much of it as I caught him looking in my direction for more than 10 times (and yes this means I was looking in his direction.. how else would have I know it!). He got inside the bar for a minute and I thought I'd rather wait for him to get out to his table outside than meet him in the toilet. But he was taking too long.. not in the toilet!! he just went inside to for whatever reason and then game caught his attention. I got inside to go to the toilet and almost knocked him down as he was standing in the middle of the bar.. He said hi and smiled.. I did the same and passed him, hoping he'd like the smell of perfume in my hair.
He sent us drinks when we both returned to our tables.. and we turned to him, nodded and smiled, as we are two really nice polite girls.. but I now regret not telling the waiter we'll accept the drinks only if the interesting face brings them over.. or would that be too pushy?
Few more drinks and couple of hours later, my friend and I went home. I insisted on driving her back home although it was a longer walk to my car than to her place.. I drove a round around and slowed down a lot waiting for traffic light to turn red cause I spotted interesting face's little sport car in the rearview mirror! He stopped behind us, we turned right, he followed. I turned right to drop off my friend and he stopped, probably thinking we were gonna have a drink in this bar where I first met him. He parked and got out to the bar, and all I could do was wave at them as I drove away.
I think I like him.. but I don't like his car.. which shouldn't be a problem as I've got mine.. I mean as soon as my great mechanic sort it out and leaves me pennyless (read previous post).

Car adventures..

Should first posts be special? Should I describe my physical appearance to details and reveal the world my flaws and traits. Every now and then I start writing blogs and get bored with it, or either forget about them, along with user names and passwords. There are couple of them forever lost in the cyberworld as not only have I forgotten the passwords but links to the blog sites. Bugger it!

Last Thursday my car broke down. There is a miniature display on my command control which occasionaly give me few blinks informing me my car can't drive without gas, but these were a frigging christmas tree.. everything just started blinking and beeping I nearly drove off the bridge. And just as it happens in situations requiring urgent actions, cars in front were too slow, traffic lights turning communist red, and by the time I found the parking lot my car started to stink and fume.
Last Thursday was just not my day, horoscope, entire solar system and biorhytms.. they were working against me.
I got my period andmy tummy was aching, not to mention my mood swings and unstoppable urge to cry, or scream, or argue, or sleep.. or all of it together or at least in any possible combination. My mechanic (now ex mechanic) arrived 4 hours later.. my zipper broke and I had to walk the streets showing the world the colour of my boxer shorts.
He looked at it (the car, not my trousers!) and there was no water in it. Apparently something that sprays the water to whatever thus cooling down my car engine has leaked and my car almost overheated. Luckily I pulled up fast enough and shut it down. I walked to the nearest shop to get some destilled water.. which was useless. We soon found a pond underneath my car.
My mechanic (soon to become ex) assured me I could still drive it home, as it is only a mile away. False! I had to stop twice to pour some more water in it, which has proved to be useless since that frigging water pump didn't work at all. I thought my car was going to give up on me, staring at the oil temperature raising fast is very very frightening.
It could have not found the worst time of the year to break.. 45 C is not a good thing for an already heated car.
At home, lying happily on my bed was an envelope with a telephone bill of over 100Ł I somehow 'forgot' to pay.
My name is Maria, and I sleep away my problems.

I enjoyed being a pedestrian for couple of days. My colleagues would come and pick me up and friends came over for a coffee... and I just enjoyed Friday night at home, after a previously completed mission of dropping off car at my new mechanic, who is only 3 minutes drive from my place.
He is nice, and if he weren't married I would have probably flirted with him.. but that doesn't mean I should switch off my charm completely.
Au contraire.
He has got my car completely check, mended it and even fixed my car door lock charging me 10 times less than VW authorised car shop asked for! He is brilliant!
I've got a list of things to be fixed at ma car. I knew this would come because I didn't really do anything on it for the last 5 years, other than changing oil and filters... but did it really have to hit me all at once.
The brakes got mended on Monday and they've not stopped stinking, clicking and smoking so he suggested we (he) fix something else that comes with them, which I can't think the name of.
If he was not recommended to me by numerous friends and colleagues I would have gotten suspicious and think he's just talking to me in car language so I leave him all the money I have!
The smell of burning brakes is stuck in my nostrils and I'm puffing and panting but it won't go away.. (more about my snse of smell in one of the future blogs).

Finding a good mechanic is like a good dentist, or gynechologist, or hairdresser.. or a friend. Stick with them! So I will .. even if he's going to dig out a lots of other failures on my car (that works just fine for me) that might not actually, if not mended, splash me against some wall at 80 mph, but are equally important.
I like my mechanic, not that I'd masturbate over his oil stained hands and trousers, but in a very friendly way. He takes care of my car, thus taking care of my life...so were he single, it would not be surprising I mistake the above two facts and develop romantic feelings for him.
He's phoned twice today and told me to come over around 6pm to get some cables sorted. I thought I should tell him that car oil is not leaking but rather the oil stains are results of my attempt to pour some oil in it through the testing tube instead of through the tap on the engine (I know I know!!).
He'll also check .. *insert random car part name* .. because my car should drive a lot faster having almost 150 horse powers.
So car mechanic appointment at 6, hopefully it'll be done soon so I still have time to reserve seats at my favourite (since last night) coffee bar to watch France - Portugal.
Now that all Spanish speaking countries are out I can't be bothered to cheer any of the remaining teams, for from all the Roman languages Spanish is the nicest.