I am a strange person. I can't have a socially acceptable relationship. There is nothing wrong with me.. at least I like to think that way. I realize I am different, I think differently and act in ways that do not always meet those of majority of people, and I am quiet happy about that.
I've noticed a pattern in my past relationships. I'd always run away as soon as they try pampering me too much, showing they care a lot, or are either ready to change themselves for the sake of our love. That is so wrong! That is not love.. I know it isn't even if I can't write a webster definition for it. Don't change.. above all don't change because of me. Stay what and who you are / were that first moment I started falling for you. That is the only recipee that works with me.
Jase and I met in one of the chatrooms three years ago. He was listening my music, reading my books, speaking my words and our thoughts were so identical, it culminated in some freaky moments. We've never met face to face.. we were killing each other and he ran away.. came back.. only to let me run away. We've said some really bad words to each other, yet we knew we are just perfect soulmates that are not doomed to be together.
I didn't hear from him in months and never tried to contact him. He wrote to me couple of weeks back to ask how are things with me. And the games begun again. We don't feel love, there is no romance, no tenderness, any show of care.. sweet words make us both sick.. but all of it is manifested through the lust we feel, through silent agreements, and unspoken words, and an occasional 'fuck you'. Truth is we are so much alike we're killing in each other what we don't like about ourselves. We are attracted to each other, both intelectually and physically to the point of being painful and we love that. We love tragedy and that is why our 'relationship' functions because we have leading roles in that tragedy.
He frustrates me, makes me angry, upsets me and at times I really wish he was here so I could hit him.. and hit him hard. He makes me want to leave bloody fingernails trails on his back. i want to hurt him and I want him to hurt me.. as a form of extracorporeal selfdestruction, and no, not supporting domestic violence or games of dominence. It is just pure lust and desire..
We talked on messenger today and he said he'd be gone for days or weeks.. for work and that if I had wanted to see him I would have to go online from home in the evening. I am not going to do that and he knew it.. he is not going to write meanwhile and I know that. I wouldn't want him to. He won't be thinking of me all the time, and neither will I, and that is exactly what will make our bond stronger... and all my insults and all his non-compliments to me.
And we may never meet, and we may only dream about meeting in Vienna for a weekend, after which we will never see each other again. Meanwhile, I will get a huge turn on thinking about him impregnating me, and he'll get horny just thinking about having sex with me.
One never know.. we're curious enough to check if we'll click physically the way we click mentally.
Read The Fountainhead by A. Rand.. that is us.